No, I’m not really back

22 09 2012

By Julia Indigo/@juliaindigo

Apologies for the two posts that went out yesterday – they were scheduled, unfinished, and I’d forgotten about them. Unprofessional… and deleted.

I can’t stand blogposts that start out, “Did’ya miss me?” Lorinda (Termitewriter!) did comment to that effect (and I appreciate it!), I don’t expect that anyone noticed that I’d dropped off the radar. We are all too busy with our own lives for that.

This summer dissolved into a miasma of depression, endless days of horrible heat and lethargy. It wasn’t as though I suddenly fell through the rabbit hole – it was more like a sinuous slide into the quagmire. We are temporarily laid off in the summer, and though the idea of three months of free time to do whatever one likes is appealing, the lack of any kind of schedule (and accompanying lack of income) requires a lot of discipline… something that I lack when severely depressed. I had a good number of goals – I was signed up for Row80 – but I couldn’t accomplish any of them. I don’t remember the last time I sat down to write.

About a month ago I realized that I had zero interest in anything, which got my attention. I finally accepted that I have two chronic, disabling diseases which exacerbate each other:  sleep apnea, and chronic depression. Both require constant vigilance, because both are very capable of ending my life.

I also realized that I was an idiot if I didn’t take advantage of a sudden opportunity to vacation in New Mexico and Colorado on the cheap, so on August 24th I tossed the dog in the back of the car and headed out. I ADORE driving vacations.

After a week I ended up in Boulder, CO for two days, exploring the University and Pearl Street, seeing where my protag Steven lived when he was an undergrad there. Call it research, it was marvelous. I can’t wait to go to Los Angeles during spring break to explore where the majority of the book takes place!

This photo was taken on May 25, 2009 by Lee Coursey.

Pearl Street, Boulder, Colorado

I returned home in time for my fifty-fifth birthday in early Sept, and promptly found myself in a conflict with a colleague (and former best friend) which left me reeling. I cannot abide conflict, and the very notion of taking care of myself by calling someone on their bad behavior gives me (literal) panic attacks. I do not have nerves of steel in this instance. But what’s done is done, what is unacceptable is just that, and I’m glad to have that very problematic friend out of my life… even though we sit next to each other at work every day. Rehearsals don’t start until Oct… so I have another week to steel myself for that uncomfortable reality.

Summer gives way to blissful Autumn today, and with the turning of the year I feel my energy returning. I’ll return to blogging eventually, and I know I’ll write again. Until then, enjoy the changing seasons, wherever in the world you are.


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3 responses

22 09 2012
alcie

Sorry to hear the summer had so much turmoil. Our little group has been rather quiet, and I assumed that it was because everyone was as busy as me (so much to catch up on after too much travel all summer and our own family turmoil at the beginning of the year!). It might not be much, but here’s a belated {{{hug}}} and a *tink* to better days ahead — it is Saturday evening after all… can I pour you a splash of wine? ;)

23 09 2012
Rebecca Stanfel

Welcome back, Julia. It’s good to see you writing again. Your post resonated with me. I, too, struggle with illness. It takes much of my energy, and requires lots of rest. The illness only exacerbates underlying depression, which can shut down my life if I’m not vigilant. Like you, I’ve woken to the terrible knowledge that nothing in my life interests me. And, like you, I’ve scrambled back from there. But it’s hard, especially when you’ve got to deal with conflict.
Your courage shines through this beautiful piece of writing. I hope the autumn is a little easier for you.
–Rebecca

23 09 2012
Karen McFarland

I was pleasantly surprised to see your post in my email Julia! But I must say that you are not alone in the problem department. It seems that most of us are battling one thing or another. And depression and illness doesn’t help the matter. The icing on the cake is that personal little matter with regards to your friend. I can relate. So glad to see that you forced yourself out of the house and got away to clear the cobwebs. That is so important not to wallow in it. Even though you are not officially back while you stick your toe into the blogging waters as a test run, do know that you are missed and I hope that soon all your problems will give way to lots of joy and happiness. Take care Julia! :)

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